Stupid Me

Wednesday we drive 30 min to adaptive dance class. It is a 45 min class that the kiddo's get their exercise and also get ready for a dance recital.  Wednesday at school was good. The car ride at 4:30 she slept. I did not really think she had a seizure, I just thought she was really tired. We get to dance on time, I watch them dance and this day she did not want to participate. She was complaining, and wanted to sit with me and not do anything. I told her she needs to participate. 15 min into the class, she approached me sitting on the sidelines -not responding, blank stare, glossy eyes she looked pale. Clearly a partial complex seizure. No response for 15 seconds. I excused ourselves, told the other moms she had a seizure, they understood because they have been there too. They offered help, I just needed to get her Lorazapam 1 mg as soon as possible. I did not have one with me! OMG!! STUPID ME! I told my self over and over. We got into the car. Allie is really confused. She does not know yet, age 8, what happens when she has a seizure. I explain to her like I do every time, "you had a seizure, your brain shuts down and reboots again just like a computer." I buckle her in she is super tired and sleeps in the car. It is 5:40 pm, HWY 100 North is a fucking parking lot! SHIT!!! I tell myself. Rush hour. Please don't have another seizure. OMG... I am so stupid "why do not have Lorazapam in my purse?" I am just really mad at myself... I know better....I know better. I call Eric, "Eric look at the traffic map, tell me how to get out of this fucking traffic". "Take HWY 7 West, to 17 North. It is all green." I get off of HWY 100 and West 7 and he is right - it is clear. Thank god. I am driving into the blinding sun. I look in my rear veiw mirror positioned right at Allie's sweet face...OMG she is having a seizure. She is grabbing her seatbelt, omg, this is dangerous. I am going 55 miles an hour what if she unbuckles herself?  I reach back with my hand she grabs it and is pulling my arm; hard. She does this during a seizure. This one I think is about 30- 40 seconds long. She releases my arm, pulls softly back and falls asleep quickly.  I call Eric in a panic. "She had another one, my god they are 1/2 hour apart." These are called cluster seizures. We HAVE to stop them. "Eric meet me with the bottle of Lorazapam.". We argue at where and when. Of course I am freaking out. I am mad at myself. I am mad at the world. He is the closest punching bag. "I can stay on the line with you." Eric says nicley. "Thanks." I will take this support.  I am driving in territory I don't know. I see 101 North. Good. I know this road. It is narrow and winding around lakes. Very pretty today, I think to myself. I wish I was on that beautiful lake boating with a family.  "I am so stupid why don't I have Lorazapam". I have a clearing, I go around cars and drive past the speed limit. Met Eric at a gas station. I give her Lorazapam, I tell her to swallow it. she swallows it, I forgot that it is suppose to be given buccally. This would insure a quicker route into the blood stream. "God I am so stupid, why did't I give it to her in her cheek?" I am not thinking clearly, I tell Eric.

Anti Seizure Medication

Lamictal and Depakote when she is on higher doses she has severe aggression. Depakote 125 am and 250 mg pm she was really aggressive. We took out one 125 mg pill and we have a much calmer Allie. Also, past 62.5 mg twice daily of Lamictal she is unsafe and has aggression. We are trying to figure out another med for seizures without the aggression.