Stupid Me

Wednesday we drive 30 min to adaptive dance class. It is a 45 min class that the kiddo's get their exercise and also get ready for a dance recital.  Wednesday at school was good. The car ride at 4:30 she slept. I did not really think she had a seizure, I just thought she was really tired. We get to dance on time, I watch them dance and this day she did not want to participate. She was complaining, and wanted to sit with me and not do anything. I told her she needs to participate. 15 min into the class, she approached me sitting on the sidelines -not responding, blank stare, glossy eyes she looked pale. Clearly a partial complex seizure. No response for 15 seconds. I excused ourselves, told the other moms she had a seizure, they understood because they have been there too. They offered help, I just needed to get her Lorazapam 1 mg as soon as possible. I did not have one with me! OMG!! STUPID ME! I told my self over and over. We got into the car. Allie is really confused. She does not know yet, age 8, what happens when she has a seizure. I explain to her like I do every time, "you had a seizure, your brain shuts down and reboots again just like a computer." I buckle her in she is super tired and sleeps in the car. It is 5:40 pm, HWY 100 North is a fucking parking lot! SHIT!!! I tell myself. Rush hour. Please don't have another seizure. OMG... I am so stupid "why do not have Lorazapam in my purse?" I am just really mad at myself... I know better....I know better. I call Eric, "Eric look at the traffic map, tell me how to get out of this fucking traffic". "Take HWY 7 West, to 17 North. It is all green." I get off of HWY 100 and West 7 and he is right - it is clear. Thank god. I am driving into the blinding sun. I look in my rear veiw mirror positioned right at Allie's sweet face...OMG she is having a seizure. She is grabbing her seatbelt, omg, this is dangerous. I am going 55 miles an hour what if she unbuckles herself?  I reach back with my hand she grabs it and is pulling my arm; hard. She does this during a seizure. This one I think is about 30- 40 seconds long. She releases my arm, pulls softly back and falls asleep quickly.  I call Eric in a panic. "She had another one, my god they are 1/2 hour apart." These are called cluster seizures. We HAVE to stop them. "Eric meet me with the bottle of Lorazapam.". We argue at where and when. Of course I am freaking out. I am mad at myself. I am mad at the world. He is the closest punching bag. "I can stay on the line with you." Eric says nicley. "Thanks." I will take this support.  I am driving in territory I don't know. I see 101 North. Good. I know this road. It is narrow and winding around lakes. Very pretty today, I think to myself. I wish I was on that beautiful lake boating with a family.  "I am so stupid why don't I have Lorazapam". I have a clearing, I go around cars and drive past the speed limit. Met Eric at a gas station. I give her Lorazapam, I tell her to swallow it. she swallows it, I forgot that it is suppose to be given buccally. This would insure a quicker route into the blood stream. "God I am so stupid, why did't I give it to her in her cheek?" I am not thinking clearly, I tell Eric.